some minor feelings

2003-05-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

I have all these emotions running through my head, mostly emotions of anger and that pang in your hart, ever had that? yea it SUCKS, and on top of that all these things about finishing school and dating and whatever im so tired of it, i wanna write songs or poems, to get it all out , but i come up blank....

2003-05-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

depression swells into the great emptyness of existance
while i ponder about the blessings of past
unable to see those that you, down to me cast
but as a dream i fall from logical thought
meaning mutates into meterialistic madness

Void my mind becomes from the vacuum to endless thought
pride consumes me.. it changes me..
creating the uglyness that ravishes my plee
Black becomes white, illusion of good only blinding me of the evil...
the evil truth that i cannot see.......

2003-04-20T18:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i wonder about life , i wonder why we live and more importantly whats gonna happen to us. I am terribly afraid of the afterlife , not because i dont believe in heaven or because i think im going to hell but because nothing comes after that. Eternity scares me to death , i get panic attacks , sometimes i can't sleep , i get this hollow feeling in my stomach that nothing else can give me. I think about this and all other problems fade away , into the gigantic hollow void produced from this feeling of eternity. I cannot understand the concept of forever as im sure no one else can either yet instead of just not dwelling on the thought i do and it scares me beyond belief... Like right now im feeling that this hollow despair just because i am thinking of it , it takes away my reality in moments of utter and extreme despair.

2003-04-20T18:15:00.000-07:00

School starts tomorrow , i really dont want to go back. Like REALLY!. Then there is this whole thing with amanda , the way everyone things we have to go out irretates me. At the moment she irretates me a lot. It pisses me off how wrecles she is and then how easily she freaks out when something goes wrong. Seriously she should know that if she is gonna act like that bad stuff is gonna happen. AH im so lazy but i really have to do some hw. I love playing FF10 because it brings back such good memories, things i hoped would never end and did so quickly, ok im gonna let kathy read this now

DONT FREAK OUT KATHY.

2003-04-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

I hate talking to kathy online , its like we are constantly at war and its so hard, i really dont think she treats me like a friend and it could be that im extremely freaking touchy or whatever but its constant insults , and i dont think she justified it at all!!. This is a reminder to myself to just stop talking to her in any deep form from now on , she isnt getting anything from it and i just act like im smarter and i know thats right when really i have no clue and i just irretate both of us. So stuff it , im stopping...

2003-04-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

Hey ok this is a disclaimer. Firstly thank you david for once again setting up a blog for me. Now the things in this blog will be whatever i feel at a specific time , it might be cruel or harsh or mean or stupid and lame , but at the end of the day they are just feelings a specific point of time that might change at any second so don't take it to seriously. Thirdly if u want to check out some factual stuff in my life go to www.kinrud12.blogspot.com . Ok thats it the fun will probably start tomorrow